Welcome to the Platformer where we talk about games in an extremely amateur but fun way! This post is in regards to my Sleek Design series where I try to fit into my favourite pair of jeans again. Also not dying might be fun.

Wii sports is a game we’ve all experienced: me, you, your grandma, even children that were born post-launch because their mothers played it whilst pregnant. So why have I chosen this game to aid me in losing weight? Surely if it was effective the streets would be littered with greek gods and goddesses instead of like tyre wholesaler. Well, I remember that I use to collapse to the floor, before alcohol made this a common occurrence, in exhaustion. However, to get the best possible effect I will go through every game available and master it…Please don’t try this at home, it’s excruciatingly dull.

Golf

Before this, I thought golf was a calming past time, I didn’t judge golfers for their chosen career. (This coming from an aspiring writer with little traction) Now when I look at a golfer I think. Why did you not do anything else in your life? With that bicep strength, fuck it, become a professional masturbator. I played Golf for so long because each game lasts is an eternity and provides little XP. The only thing that got a workout, was my patience. Not a great start 0/10.

Bowling

Bowling involved a little more movement. I mean it’s not every day you swing your arm back and forth constantly, normally it’s my wrist. Gaining the ability to, without hesitation, get a strike instantly is something to put on my resume. At least I got something out of the experience because, in terms of a workout, that was non-existent. Besides some slight strain in my bicep, not great 1/10 .

Tennis

Tennis is my favourite sport to play. I would even consider myself to be of a competent level. I still lose but I’m short and slightly overweight. So Nintendo heavily featured tennis on the promotional material for Wii Sports, the hype was real. Upon release, I played it to death! Well, the death of three lamps. I was diving across the living room, reaching for impossible shots…just to make it. It was exhilarating.

Now I’m an adult with a brain and I realise that all of the above…is pointless. Just waggle the stick furiously and your character will win 100%. (Don’t quote me on that). However I’m a big kid at heart so I did play like I was in a Wimbledon final, it was ace. 6/10

Baseball

Baseball? As much as I like to practice my decapitation skills and my…onion throwing skills? I hate Baseball in addition to the random AI and games lasting far too long I sweat more when I make a work phone call which forces me to speak eloquentilily.

Boxing

Time for the main event! Not a mediocre fight between two annoying YouTubers but Mii vs the world. I approached boxing the same way I did tennis. Simulate my movements as if I was being consecutively concussed. This whilst somewhat effective will leave you brutally wounded to within one inch of death (In the game, of course, I’m not that unfit) I did manage to master boxing, how? Speed.

The same tactic as tennis, however to my physical detriment, you cannot waggle your controller you still have to make punches. Every fight resulted in a test, flailing your arms for a solid 5 minutes, without rest. I imagine it’s the equivalent of doing 1 billion pushups but the result is someone else on the floor dying. The late fights seriously left in puddles going through three t-shirts in the process. Boxing, if taken seriously, is so effective. 8/10

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